Ok... so I got this from my mom. And I'd just like to say that I think I've seen every single one of these warnings, so I thought I'd alert you all... just on the OFF chance you haven't already been warned.
Although I'm SURE you have.
And seriously... you all know how I feel about snakes... so one biting my ass is NOT a visual I really need to put in my head...
As we start 2015, I want to thank each one of you for your educational
emails last year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor
let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope
that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seventeen of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to those emails, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black
snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it
bites my rear.
And I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
Ok then.... carry on with yo crazy weekend. Mine just started with a crazy Zumba class! ♥